5/23/2005
Advice from Nashville's leading Financial Aid Advisor Dave Ramsey
Dave Says
By Dave Ramsey
Author of:
Financial Peace and
The Total Money Makeover
"Wife is fed up with husband's behavior!"
Dear Dave,
I have a husband who refuses to work with me in our quest for financial
independence. Originally, he took care of all of the finances. After 11 years of
marriage I’ve finally decided to take a part in our family finances and not just
hand over my paycheck to him. Recently, I’ve made several appointments with
financial counselors and my husband has cancelled on me for every one. I finally
laid it all on the line and asked him what his problem is with keeping these
appointments. He said he doesn’t want to see a financial counselor because they
want to look at everything you’ve done with money.
I thought that was the whole purpose here. I think he might be embarrassed for
someone to see the errors he’s made with money in the past. I understand the
importance of unity in dealing with our finances, but I’m wondering if I should
just go about my own path in handling money, get my own checking account and
worry about my own retirement. He says we don’t have money to invest for
retirement right now.
Maria in Louisville, KY
Dear Maria,
You shouldn’t pursue your own financial path, with your own checking account and
such, unless you’re planning on getting a divorce. I don’t get the impression
that divorce is the way you want to go right now.
Ninety percent of what you’re dealing with here are marriage issues. The
financial problems will be worked out as a result of dealing with those issues.
This is the same as having a child who is misbehaving and you can’t agree on
discipline. You’d probably seek outside counsel.
You both have got to work together on these issues. If you don’t, you’re not
working together on your dreams or your fears. When my wife and I have a money
fight, what we’re fighting over is power or different dreams. That means the two
of us need to sit down together and adjust each other and ourselves so that we
have one dream that we’re working on.
Money is a scorecard for men. We don’t feel like Sir Galahad if we’ve messed up
with money. So, the embarrassment factor here is probably an issue.
This is not an uncommon issue for married people today. I’d say you’re probably
normal. I’d sit down with him and explain to him that this is a marriage issue
and on a deep level this is really disturbing to you that he won’t work with you
on this. Let him know that this makes you feel like he doesn’t respect you and
doesn’t care what you think.
If you can’t come to some agreement on this, you may need to seek counsel from
your pastor or a good marriage counselor. If he won’t go with you, go to a
counselor by yourself. You need to at least talk to a counselor about how to
bring your husband to the table with you to work on this.
-Dave
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