Advice from Nashville's Financial Guru Dave Ramsey
Dave Says
By Dave Ramsey
Author of Financial Peace and The Total Money Makeover
12/21/2004
Husband's expensive trip puts family into debt!
Dear Dave,
About this time last year, my husband and I were almost out of debt. All we had left was a house payment and a car loan. My husband, who is 30 years old, got a wild hair and decided to spend a few weeks mountain climbing in Ecuador, which is his hobby. He opened four new credit cards in his name, refinanced his truck – which was paid off – and took every bit of our savings. Now I can’t pay the bills. In fact, he’s still spending anything extra that we earn. For instance, he just bought a $300 pair of glasses. He says he works hard, he’s never done anything and he’s not going to live like that anymore. So he decided to go out and live how he wants no matter how much it costs. We each make about $30,000 a year to support us and our children.
I don’t know what to do. Should I just open a separate checking account and keep all of the money I earn there? I work overtime to make extra money and I’d like to keep it safe from him. I’m paying our $1,000 a month mortgage and the utilities. It’s all I can do to scrape together enough money to pay that. He’s responsible for paying on these new debts with his check, but he’s just spending and spending.
I’ve asked him to go see a marriage counselor with me, but he refuses. He says there is nothing wrong with him.
Jill in Nashville, TN
Dear Jill,
Opening up a second checking account is the first step toward divorce. Divorce may not be what you want, but it may be what’s coming with what you’re describing. I don’t want that for you, but you’re telling me you’re married to a financial boat anchor. It sounds like your husband is just being selfish. He’s not someone who brings things to the table with respect to this marriage. He only takes things from the table. That will not go on forever. You will finally reach a point where you’ve had enough. It may be five days or five years before that happens, but you will finally get to that point. I don’t advocate divorce and I hope it doesn’t happen, but if things keep going this way he’s going to have to face the fruits of the decisions he’s made. And one of those decisions is that he’s desperately wounded and damaged your relationship.
All I can suggest is that you sit down with him tonight and let him know you’re worried that your marriage is ending because of his selfishness. Let him know that you love him, but you hate what he’s become with his spending and his financial decisions.
You might also consider the idea that he could be seeing someone else. I’m not accusing him of that, but this shows a lot of the symptoms of someone who is having an affair.
If he won’t see a marriage counselor with you, I think you should at least go by yourself. And you should tell him tonight that you’re going to seek outside counseling.
Jill I really don’t like or believe in divorce, but I also understand the reality that your husband has abandoned his family. He still lives in the house, but for all intents and purposes he’s abandoned you. It’s one thing to disagree about spending. My wife, Sharon, and I still disagree about spending sometimes. But this goes far beyond a simple disagreement. He’s just checked out of your marriage and is showing no regard for his family at all. He’s somehow reached a point where he thinks the road to happiness is self indulgence – that’s called hedonism – and that’s just a lie. The backward part of this whole issue is that true happiness only comes when you’re willing to give part of yourself away to benefit other people.
I don’t think the answer to your problem is a separate checking account. I think it’s some good counseling.
Dave
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