Advice from Nashville's Financial Guru Dave Ramsey
Dave Says
By Dave Ramsey
Author of Financial Peace and The Total Money Makeover
11/16/2004
How far do you go in taking care of grown kids?
Dear Dave,
I’m married with three step-children. I tend to be more of a hardliner with them than my wife. She does more of whatever she can to help out the kids, which is fine except it’s getting to the point that we’re enabling them.
We’ve been married 13 years. We have a 30 year old daughter living in our home with her child. We have a 21 year old college student who lives at home. We also have a 19 year old who has just moved out to try to make it on his own, but he’s struggling. He hasn’t saved any money and mom is continually giving him money to help out. How do we go about straightening these kids out, without me having them give me their paychecks and I handle their finances. I’m just about to the point of having to put my foot down and put and end to this.
Jeff in Jacksonville, FL
Dear Jeff,
It’s probably time to put your foot down. You’re probably about 13 years too late. Sometimes folks confuse putting your foot down with being mean. It’s not being mean to teach a 30 year old how to be self sufficient, or for that matter a 19 year old who’s not in school. I know I had to learn that lesson and you probably had to. You know why? Because my dad said, “At 18 you’re gone, dude. Have a plan. You’d better practice with those wings. You’re going to need them.” Unfortunately, it’s tougher to do after the fact. Now you’re teaching an old dog new tricks.
Number one, you and your wife have to be on the same page about this. She’s got to understand that she’s not pushing them away, but she’s got to let them be all they can be. They’re not being that right now. So, have a lot of discussion with her and have a written game plan – the key points of how you’re going to react to different situations. Then you two will be in agreement so you’re working as one. You don’t want to become the evil step-dad.
Once you two are in solid agreement, then you can sit down with the kids and spell out the deal. You can tell them how you’ll help them here and here, but you’re no longer going to help them there and there. You might offer to help with food, but not money. You might allow them to live at home, but with an understanding that it’s for a specified period. By a particular date, they’re expected to be back on their own feet. Then you teach them how to achieve that goal with work and learning how to handle money. You teach them to fish rather than giving them fish. You lay out the plan of saving an emergency fund, getting out of debt, investing for retirement – all of that.
Single moms have a tough road. Fifty-two percent of them live below the poverty level, so it’s a nice and noble thing that you let her come back home. But to do that without having a game plan for her to get back on her feet is just asking for disaster.
I’d also recommend a book by Dr. Henry Cloud titled Boundaries. It teaches about family boundaries and how they get violated. That’s what’s happening here.
Dave
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