Advice from Nashville's Financial Guru Dave Ramsey
Dave Says
By Dave Ramsey
Author of Financial Peace and The Total Money Makeover
10/26/2004
In Debt, expecting a baby and scared... What do I do?
Dear Dave,
I need some help with my husband. We're both very young, 26 and 28, we have $22,000 in debt and I'm 5 months pregnant. We've got a lot of debt hanging over our heads and I'm scared. We both have children from another marriage who live with us part-time.
Our income is about $2,000 a month take home pay. Our debts are around $6,000 on a car, $6,800 owed to an attorney, which I'm getting kind of nervous about, $7,000 owed on a credit card, $1,800 in back child-support due and $700 due to a therapist.
I think we earn enough to make this succeed, but I can't get my husband motivated enough to work on this with me. In addition, he's such a spender and I feel like I just can't tell him "no". I've tried to make him aware of the problem, but he just keeps saying, "It'll get paid."
Dawn
Bowling Green, Ky.
Dear Dawn,
First of all, let me tell you that when you're five months pregnant and have a bunch of debt without a lot of income, being afraid is normal. You've got a mess to clean up and your husband needs to step up to the plate here. You're not his mom, you're his wife. It's not like you've got to tell him "no" over spending. However, you do have to tell him, as part of this team, that he's destroying the team with his behavior. You have a child on the way, bills to pay and he's being irresponsible. You can be a little more tactful than that, and I would suggest it, but that's the basic message. Going along with him while he's patting your hand and saying condescendingly that he'll take care of it, when he's not, isn't fair to you. It says your vote doesn't count. So, you've got to work together on this stuff and it has to be in writing.
What I think you need to do is sit down with him tonight, take his hands in your hands, look him in the eyes and say, "Honey, I'm scared. Your spending doesn't feel bad to you, but it does to me. I'm carrying a baby, we've got bills and I don't know how we're going to eat. I'm scared and I need you to help us put together a plan and to help by living on that plan." If you do that, there are very few men out there, except for a few jerks, who won't step up and work with you. Your husband might be a little immature on some days and a little self-centered on some days – which means he's normal too – but he's probably not a jerk.
In your relationship, you're more like me – the Nerd – who likes details. He's more like my wife – the Free Spirit – who isn't as worried about details. That doesn't always mean they're irresponsible, but they just have this belief that it will all work out in the end. The Nerd wants to know exactly how that's going to happen. You've got to tell him that you're not wired like him and he's got to show you what's going on here and how this will work out.
Now, let's step back and say he agrees to this. You've got to put your natural skills to work and present the "budget committee" – you and him – with a written plan. His nature is that he will not do one unless someone else has initiated it. That's OK; it's just not his strength. Then once you've presented the written plan, you have to let him make changes to it. You're not bringing some tablet, which is perfect and can't be changed, down from the mountain like Charlton Heston. Instead, you work though it together, but you're going to have to be the catalyst – the initiator – in this process. Once you've come to this written agreement, you're going to take care of basic necessities before anything else – food, shelter, clothing, transportation and utilities. Until those are done, no one else gets paid. In addition, I can tell you that if you're husband is a logical man he's going to arrive at the conclusion that he's got to make a lot more money to clean this mess up. I see a part-time job in his future.
Dave
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